Look! A Damsel in Distress

I remember having a very staggering conversation with my bankruptcy attorney in his office, as I was preparing my paperwork to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. First, he very candidly shared with me that he went through a divorce himself previously. Then he made this statement,

"The difference between us as men and them as women is that someone will always be there to save them."

He went on,"Think about it. As the man, you're expected to do what you need to do. You have to continue to work and make ends meet and have enough money left over to pay for other things. You're told to 'man up' while she's told, don't worry about anything. So while you struggle to live, she can have one or more boyfriends on the side, who are paying for everything for her, because she's a damsel needing someone to come and rescue her. Or so she makes it seem."

I immediately understood everything he was saying. It was all so true. If I had met a lady that I was interested in and who was a "single mom," my first inclination would be to show her that I can take care of her and her kids. I would buy clothes and shoes, toys, books, and whatever else that would give her a sense of security. However, if a lady was to meet me and become interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with me, she would not think about doing any of those things for me, and I would never expect her to. So we can see how unbalanced things really are. Whether that mother was intentionally trying to use me for my money or not, I'm likely to want to rescue her from her current situation. I would say things like, "Let me take care of you," or "Let me show you how you deserve to be treated," or things along those lines. All to rescue her and win my prize. Meanwhile, her ex-husband is sitting at his parent's home, trapped in his current job because if he quits, his child support obligations remain the same. He's kicking out hundreds or thousands of dollars every month to a woman that I'm taking care of. Even if we agreed that every penny sent to her went to the kids, I would still be paying for things for the kids as well. Remember, I want to show her that I can take care of her. I'm her hero that she's been waiting for. Which means the money that her ex is sending her is going somewhere other than to the kids.

I'll never forget attending my ex-wife's bankruptcy hearing. It was quick and easy. The judge never thought twice about his decision to grant her request. I only attended because I wasn't sure if she was going to say or do something that would later come back to bite me financially. I presented information that I thought would be relevant and possibly make a difference in the outcome of the hearing. The judge practically dismissed everything I said. She had just received $4,600 in tax refund, but was filing for bankruptcy. She had just received another $1,100 in home insurance refunds. She had just received $1,900 is child support arrears payments. Furthermore, she was driving in a vehicle that she testified to being registered under her mother's name. She testified that she lived with her mother. And in spite of all these facts, the judge was not concerned with her receiving bankruptcy as she requested. It's obvious that the money to pay her creditors is present, but let's lift this burden off of this damsel. If I had come to court with the same situation, the outcome would have been totally different. Then the judge said that the home insurance refund might be subject to revocation; however, both her half and mine would go towards repayment of HER creditors.

So many mothers are filing for divorce in our nation today because there are so many benefits to doing so. The main problem with this is how it's negatively impacting our children. The only thing keeping a mother from filing for divorce is her own moral compass. Other than that, it actually makes more sense to file for divorce. While divorce is a selfish thing to do, if I'm not morally bound to my marriage and my family, it's in my better interest to leave. And mothers in America know this. Many woman are guilty of entrapment, whereby, they have intercourse with a man, have a baby for him, and then tie him up in litigation and the system until his head spins. Sadly, the child is collateral damage. The mother is fully convinced that her bond with the child is strong enough to weather through the storm. The mother knows she will paint the father in a bad light and hopefully the child will believe it and perceive him to be the cause of all the hurt and pain.

So what is the Dad to do in all of this? Well, in the immortal words of the great king Leonidas on the classic movie 300, "What can you do?" Don't waste your time or money trying to fight a battle that you cannot win. However, you should certainly invest your time and money into battles that you can win. And ultimately, you will win the war. If I could do it all over, I would still attend my ex's bankruptcy hearing, but I wouldn't have anything to say, because I look like the bad guy no matter what I say. I'm not the damsel needing to be rescued, remember? First Heroes wants to be able to provide direction to good Dads. We're a lamp or a light, helping you to see what's up ahead so you're not stumbling all along the way.